...A man came up to Jesus and asked, “Teacher, what good thing must I do to get eternal life?”
“Why do you ask me about what is good?” Jesus replied. “There is only One who is good. If you want to enter life, keep the commandments.”
“Which ones?” he inquired.
Jesus replied, “‘You shall not murder, you shall not commit adultery, you shall not steal, you shall not give false testimony, honor your father and mother,’ and ‘love your neighbor as yourself.’”
“All these I have kept,” the young man said. “What do I still lack?”
Jesus answered, “If you want to be perfect, go, sell your possessions and give to the poor, and you will have treasure in heaven. Then come, follow me.”
When the young man heard this, he went away sad, because he had great wealth.
Then Jesus said to his disciples, “Truly I tell you, it is hard for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of heaven. Again I tell you, it is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for someone who is rich to enter the kingdom of God.”
When the disciples heard this, they were greatly astonished and asked, “Who then can be saved?”
Jesus looked at them and said, “With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible.” (Matthew 19:16-26 NIV)
In 2006, we downsized houses and got rid of a lot of things. Later, we sold and got rid of even more, but we still had a lot left. We also acquired items from relatives as they moved on with their lives -- photographs, photographic slides, slide projectors, artwork, and various things our mothers did not have room for in their senior-living apartments. We also had a lot of things from Britain, and various keepsakes.
My wife was given a lot of "family history" records from relatives on both sides of the family. She enjoyed researching and figuring out connections. In my view, pursuing genealogies can turn into an endless endeavor, and it doesn't do much to expand the Kingdom of Heaven, so I had asked her to wrap it up. She said that she would, and was working on it because she respected my request. I often told her, "I got me the best one," and she often quoted from the movie Oblivion, "We're a more effective team."
Photographs. We collected a lot of them over the years, and with technology they are very easy to create. Many of them are stored electronically, either on our computer devices or on cloud services, but I told her I prefer having prints that I can hold in my hands and put into physical albums. She printed a lot of them, and they are sorted into boxes.
We have lots of stuff from our early marriage days. People used to have a set of fine china dishes for entertaining people and special occasions. We received ours as wedding presents. We also collected different sets when we were in Britain. So did our mothers. We have it all now, and nobody wants it. Young people just don't use fine china these days, so it all sits in boxes.
We also have ceramic figurines, ceramic houses, thimbles, and love spoons. Many of them are displayed in a curio cabinet, a china cabinet, on the fireplace mantle, or hanging on the wall. I have a large grandfather clock that I bought after my grandfather died in 1983. Our walls have many different pictures, many from Britain. There are lots of memories and emotions tied up in all of those things.
All of this household stuff is a burden to me. The house, the car, my mother's car, my mother's affairs, the garden and yard, the bills, the property taxes, the computers, the DVD's, and all of my wife's Kindle books are all worldly and they distract me from what I really want to be doing: chasing after the Kingdom. My spirit wants to do what Jesus says in the Scripture quoted above, but my flesh wants to hang on to everything. I was trying to lead my wife in that spiritual direction, and she was trying very hard to follow me. She was emotionally attached to all of our things, too. If something had been easy to get rid of, it was already gone.
This home was ours, but in my mind it was hers. She found it, she designed the landscaping and she decorated the interior. I contributed, of course, and I did most of the physical work, but in spirit it was her household. Am I supposed to move? I do not know. The place is too big for just one person. Cleaning up and getting rid of things should be easier now that she is gone. The dynamic has changed. Perhaps I can make some progress.
I was doing the best I could, and thought my wife and I had more time to be together. We make our plans, but God determines our steps. Jesus will be her judge and my judge, nobody else. This is His project and His Game1. In chess, it is sometimes necessary to let your own queen be captured in order to ultimately win the game. There is also a way to get a queen back on the board. (I actually hope it's her.) We'll see what happens.
All glory to God.
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UPDATE, 07/10/2022...
This post triggered a rift in my family. My girls still will not talk to me, more than fourteen months later. I strongly suspect the strains were already present well before my wife's death, and I am certain she did what she could to hold relationships together. Once her influence was gone, however, reality appeared and things came apart.
I love and adore my children, and this situation continues to break my heart. I am sure their hearts are broken, too. It's been a very tough and difficult loss. I know God is in control. He wants reconciliation, and I want to do anything and everything in my power to bring it about.
My first eleven months of widowhood were very solitary. Looking back, I needed that time alone. Then I found some new friends to share with, and have had opportunities to talk about my wife, our life together, and what God has been doing.
This past week I learned my "Myers-Briggs" personality type, through the help of a friend. I had heard about that particular tool before, but in all of my professional years it was not an evaluation I ever did. I have now, and I discussed the results and implications in updates to my Engineer post.
This morning, I read through the fifteen other personality types and believe I've identified my wife's description. I believe she was an "ISFJ." You can read about it under the other post. This has given me more insight into my relationship with my wife and the dynamics between us. Despite what anyone may think, or what any psychological tools may say, we loved each other with our entire hearts and I am still heartbroken that I lost her. I know God brought us together, kept us together, and produced through us the "fruit" He wanted to produce... and that includes our children.
... This is how I continue to process things. After all, I'm an "INTJ"!!!
UPDATE, 07/11/2022...
1Added "and His Game" to clarify this paragraph.
I love metaphors, similes, parables, etc. I guess that's how I'm wired. Maybe this is part of the reason my kids don't understand me. I wish they could just love me like their mother did. She loved me anyway, even if she didn't understand me.......
😢