"A single thread in a tapestry,
Though its color brightly shines,
Can never see its purpose,
In the pattern of the grand design..."
(Through Heaven's Eyes, Prince of Egypt)
My wife found this meme on the Internet and gave it to me in December. Less than a month later, she died.
It was totally unexpected, and I am heartbroken. We were best friends, and much more, for over 38 years. But, God knows what He's doing. He prepared us both, and His fingerprints are all over it.
I am still heartbroken.
My initial response was to quote Job:
The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away;
Blessed be the name of the Lord. (Job 1:21 NKJV, in part)
The Book of Job is some of the oldest wisdom we have, and we can learn a lot from it. It gives insight into things we cannot see. Most importantly, it demonstrates that God is fully in control of everything, and nothing happens without his consent. His ways are not our ways, and he allows evil to happen so good may result.
I do not know why God allowed my bride to be taken from me, but I can honestly say that I "left everything on the field," to quote a sports phrase. She knew that I loved her, and I'll leave it at that. In our last months together, we were able to experience a second honeymoon, since people were reluctant to visit us due to their fears of "the virus." I was already doing much of the physical housework, and she paid the bills right before she passed. I was also very familiar with where everything was in the kitchen, since it was my job to empty the dishwasher. I had helped her with grocery shopping, and often watched her cook. I frequently made her omelettes and eggs to give her a break from running her household.
As she prepared to go to the grocery store that morning, I followed her around like a puppy, hugging and kissing her.1 I watched her drive away, as I always did, not knowing if it would be the last time, although I was eager to get to the task that the Holy Spirit had put on my heart.
Some time later, as I completed that task, my phone rang. It was the local hospital emergency room and they informed me that my wife had passed out at the grocery store. I couldn't get much more information out of them, so I knew it wasn't good. When I got there, they were running tests, so they put me into a waiting room. There was a picture on the wall of a landscape with rocks. I knew I needed The Rock to help me, and that a house built on The Rock will not be washed away when the storm comes.
Eventually, they told me what was going on, and they let me see her. She could not feel her legs, and she was very distracted, but I believe she knew I was there. I laid hands on her, but knew that was not the plan. As they wheeled her out of the room for surgery, I saw the hair of her head and knew in my heart it was the last glimpse I would see of her alive.
Neither of us wanted anything to do with the medical industry, and God was very merciful to us both. She passed out, and said the next thing she knew she was in the ambulance at the hospital entrance. I was at home. Neither of us had to make a decision about putting her on the "911 conveyor belt." It was out of our hands. We were almost always together, but God chose to let it happen when we were apart.
We did not know she had the condition that killed her, and I am glad. It was hidden from us. Had we known, we would have worried about it, and the medical community would have pushed us to let them try to do something about it. As it was, we were able to live life to the very end.
I have always been quite healthy, but my wife had a number of different "infirmities," as I called them. I think this was one of my tests -- to love her anyway. In recent years, I have learned that God wants to heal us, and that miraculous healings do occur. I prayed for her often, and she was eager for it. The more I did it, the more success I had. She had had scoliosis since she was a child, and we prayed to get rid of that, and it went! I was so overjoyed because I thought it was permanent, but all things are possible with God! This is why we are not fond of "medicine."
But there were some things we prayed about that just would not resolve. I've continued to pray for understanding, but God lets me know things in His own time. Part of my heartbreak is the non-resolution of some issues, but God is faithful, and He undoubtedly has better things in mind than I can possibly imagine.
Speaking of imagining, I'm refraining from thinking much about where she is and what it's like for her. When she was in surgery, I didn't think a lot about where she was, but whatever I thought, it was NOT what I saw in the actual operating room. The hospital staff allowed me, and then my two daughters, to gown up and see her while her heart was still technically "beating." The experience taught me to not contemplate what the spiritual realm looks like; I will get to see it eventually, and it will far surpass anything I can conjure up in my mind and lie to myself about.
In the ensuing days, the Holy Spirit has been comforting me and bringing to mind things the Father wants me to know...
- She is with her babies. She always wanted to be a mama, and God provided us both with grace to be parents.
- She was kind. The Greek word in Galations 5:22-23 is chréstotés, which is described as: "('useful kindness') refers to meeting real needs, in God's way, in His timing (fashion). Hence xrēstótēs is listed as a fruit of the Holy Spirit (Gal 5:22). With the believer, xrēstótēs ('divine kindness') is the Spirit-produced goodness which meets the need and avoids human harshness (cruelty). We have no term that quite carries this notion of kind and good." [Bible Hub #5544]
- All things are possible with God, and I can think of a lot of possibilities, but it won't be what I think.
- He has me right where He wants me.
- The Darkness can't do anything more to her.
- Her "thread" and my "thread" of the "tapestry" are no longer visible to each other, but they still exist in the Grand Design.
I told one of my daughters that perhaps God has answered many of the prayers I prayed for my wife, but I just can't see the results right now. One of those prayers was that she be holy and without blemish, as He intends her to be. I look forward to seeing that.
Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see. This is what the ancients were commended for. (Hebrews 11:1-2 NIV 1984)
All glory to God.
-----------------------------
UPDATE, June 29, 2022...
UPDATE, July 31, 2022...
My wife had a cat she called "Tapestry" before I knew her. She named it after the Carole King song. I believe it was one of her favorite cats.
When she first showed me her mobile home trailer, the cat met us as we opened the door. I said, "Oh. You have a cat." She was worried that might be a problem, but Ivory eventually let me pull the mats out of her fine, long fur. My wife said I was the only person the cat would allow to do that.
We were sad to leave her behind when we moved to Wales.
UPDATE, January 23, 2023...
1Added the link.
UPDATE, May 19, 2023...
My sister shared this video with me shortly after my wife died, and it means a lot to me. It takes me back to that time of loss, and it helps me to grieve. Which is healthy.
Back in January, I visited my mother at her senior-living home, and as I was with her and getting ready to leave I heard this song. It was nearing a quarter past 4 PM.
Exactly two years prior to that, my love was in surgery and she never came out. Not physically. I got to see her around 10 PM, but figured she was actually gone around 5. I think I need to adjust that assumption...
My heart is still torn ❤️🩹, but I praise Him in this Storm.
I miss you, My Sweet.
I shared what I wrote, above, on Facebook that evening, and my cousin comforted me about my torn heart. This is how I replied...
I’m actually glad my heart is torn. It means our hearts were attached. 💞
When I mourn, I rejoice because it’s loving her. It’s not bitterness. It’s sad but it’s sweet. I have a lot of favorite pictures on my fridge, and I’m with her as I cook in her kitchen. It’s a process that needs to happen, and it takes time. ⏳
I’m healing. That’s why I used the bandaged heart ❤️🩹 emoji. 😉
Hearing this song today astounded me because [my sister] shared it with me shortly after [my wife] died and I listened to it a lot in the early days (😭). I hadn’t heard it in quite a while.
He was telling me He is with me. 😊
At that time, I was in the process of correcting my political status, and I often refer back to this as I encounter challenges and apprehensions about that path He has me on. It is so precious to me.
Our older daughter played violin and viola in high school, and viola in college. We got to see her play many times, and occasionally traveled a six-hour round-trip to watch her play in the college orchestra. I learned to appreciate stringed instruments and can tell when someone is actually playing.
The woman playing violin in this video has long, dark hair, ... like my daughter. It's one of the things that touches my heart. Somehow, I think this was also meant to be...
UPDATE, July 23, 2023...
Early in the summer after my wife died, I went to an art fair in downtown Midland. I was prompted to leave my house at 11:11, and knew I was supposed to see someone there.
As I walked among the throng of summer-worshipers and noted the exhibits, my eyes searched for that someone. I did not recognized anybody, except one high school friend and we chatted a bit. They were not who I was looking for.
By the time I had gone up and down the street about three times, I noticed someone but was not sure it was them. I decided to finish going down the street and come back, and if they were still there I would approach them.
She was sitting in a corner alcove of a popular restaurant in the shade with another woman. She was the wife of the man who got me back into engineering work after my long sabbatical.
He had searched me out because I had some specific experience, and there was great demand for anyone with a chemical engineering degree and who was breathing. I worked through his company as a contractor before I was eventually hired back by my original employer. He was my boss, and when I returned to my employer he and his colleagues worked for me. We often chuckled about the irony and we became friends.
He and his colleagues were retired engineers, and he eventually "retired again." Soon after, I heard he had died. The woman I saw in the alcove was his widow.
I gently approached her as she chatted with the other woman. I told her, "I've joined the club." She looked at me, puzzled. I knelt down and told her we were both widows. She got a smile on her face, and we compared experiences. This was my first confirmation that "the club" is real. She thought so, too.
Since then, whenever I encounter a widow/widower I mention we are both in "the club." They agree. The bond God creates in a married couple is powerful, and the brokenhearted are forever affected.
I am currently working with someone on important matters. He is a widower, too. He invited me to join a social media group of people in our situation. When I looked at it I saw he had posted Duran Duran's Ordinary World song. I told him I had just been listening to it.
Music affects our souls deeply. Tavistock knows this and music is a powerful propaganda vector. We are especially influenced by the music we hear in our early years, especially when we are forming bonds with our spouse.
My wife and I listened to popular music and Duran Duran was one of the groups. Ordinary World came out around the time our children were born, and the lyrics were written about the loss of a friend. Here is the official video and the lyrics...
"Ordinary World"
Came in from a rainy Thursday
On the avenue
Thought I heard you talking softly
I turned on the lights, the TV
And the radio
Still I can't escape the ghost of you
What has happened to it all?
Crazy, [some are saying]
Where is the life that I recognize?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Passion or coincidence
Once prompted you to say
"Pride will tear us both apart"
Well now pride's gone out the window
Cross the rooftops
Run away
Left me in the vacuum of my heart
What is happening to me?
Crazy, [some are saying]
Where is my friend when I need you most?
Gone away
But I won't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Papers in the roadside
Tell of suffering and greed
Here today, forgot tomorrow
Ooh, here besides the news
Of holy war and holy need
Ours is just a little sorrowed talk
And I don't cry for yesterday
There's an ordinary world
Somehow I have to find
And as I try to make my way
To the ordinary world
I will learn to survive
Every one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world, I will learn to survive
Any one
Is my world
[Every one]
Is my world
https://www.azlyrics.com/lyrics/duranduran/ordinaryworld.html
As I have re-engaged the world after losing my wife, I have encountered many people who are divorced. Our culture thinks nothing of it, and actually encourages it. The government-services corporations make "marriage licenses" and "divorce" easy to acquire.
I have yet to find a divorcee who is even aware "the club" exists. This intrigues me, and I find the following passage instructive...
Some Pharisees came to him [Jesus] to test him. They asked, “Is it lawful for a man to divorce his wife for any and every reason?”
“Haven’t you read,” he replied, “that at the beginning the Creator ‘made them male and female,’ and said, ‘For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and the two will become one flesh’? So they are no longer two, but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let no one separate.”
“Why then,” they asked, “did Moses command that a man give his wife a certificate of divorce and send her away?”
Jesus replied, “Moses permitted you to divorce your wives because your hearts were hard. But it was not this way from the beginning. I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another woman commits adultery.” (Matthew 19:3-9 NIV)
I cannot imagine voluntarily living without my wife. During our years together I had absolutely no desire to be anywhere but with her, and my Damsel post describes how I came to realize it.
I suspect the amount of trauma, heartache, regret, anger, and hardness of heart that exist in the wake of divorce must be awful. I suspect unforgiveness is there, too. The cobwebs of sin are corrosive and persistent.
My heartbreak is bittersweet. I had a good marriage and God knew he would have to take my wife from me because I would never leave her.
Many will ask, why would God do that? I ran across what happened to Ezekiel and believe it answers the question.
The word of the Lord came to me: “Son of man, with one blow I am about to take away from you the delight of your eyes. Yet do not lament or weep or shed any tears. Groan quietly; do not mourn for the dead. Keep your turban fastened and your sandals on your feet; do not cover your mustache and beard or eat the customary food of mourners.”
So I spoke to the people in the morning, and in the evening my wife died. The next morning I did as I had been commanded.
Then the people asked me, “Won’t you tell us what these things have to do with us? Why are you acting like this?”
So I said to them, “The word of the Lord came to me: Say to the people of Israel, ‘This is what the Sovereign Lord says: I am about to desecrate my sanctuary—the stronghold in which you take pride, the delight of your eyes, the object of your affection. The sons and daughters you left behind will fall by the sword. And you will do as I have done. You will not cover your mustache and beard or eat the customary food of mourners. You will keep your turbans on your heads and your sandals on your feet. You will not mourn or weep but will waste away because of your sins and groan among yourselves. Ezekiel will be a sign to you; you will do just as he has done. When this happens, you will know that I am the Sovereign Lord.’
“And you, son of man, on the day I take away their stronghold, their joy and glory, the delight of their eyes, their heart’s desire, and their sons and daughters as well—on that day a fugitive will come to tell you the news. At that time your mouth will be opened; you will speak with him and will no longer be silent. So you will be a sign to them, and they will know that I am the Lord.” (Ezekiel 24:15-27 NIV)
God's purposes are that important. And he is always right.